Do Not Open this Book

Do Not Open This Book!

“Excuse me, but who do you think you are, opening this book when the cover clearly says ‘Do not open this book’? If a sign on a door reads ‘DO NOT ENTER’, do you enter? Of course, you don’t. The least you will do is knock first. The reason you weren’t supposed to open this book is that it’s not written yet. Look at this blank page. Look at this jumble of words. Oh, look at that – ferocious pests, flashed, mouse, huge, humongous, pink teeth. I had no idea. Caution! Thinking in progress. Are you born a writer? Writes Zen? Write on? How to write? You think it’s easy to put words together? Ha, now go away. I need time to think, oh.”

“I’m not quite sure what to do here. I mean, obviously, the pig has tons of words here and is reading about writing and has to write, but I don’t know why you can’t say, ‘I’m busy. I am trying to decide what type of story to write.’ Perhaps, I will write a scary story, or maybe a bedtime story after you go to sleep. I will be able to get to work even if you are snoring. It will be better than having you stare at me. Oh my gosh, this is a very, very high-strung writing pig. Why are you still here? Okay, I have an idea. If you sit very still and are very quiet, I will try to work while you are watching me, but please, no matter what you do, do not turn pages while I am working. Page turning during story writing can cause words to blow around, and they might end up in the wrong order. 

Okay, here I go. I am starting my story. A ferocious storm swept through the forest. A tiny mouse hid beneath a pink flower. Oh, look at that. He’s putting the words altogether. A tiger paced and flashed its big, sharp teeth, trying to take a bite of the roaring wind. Look, he’s got the glue. He’s got some pins. It’s up on the ladder. Remember, do not turn the page. But, but, I really, I really have to. Big, ferocious mouse flash, shirt pink teeth, crash, pitch black darkness, words flying everywhere, dangerous, dangerous words like poisonous, stinky, thorn, shark, itchy, prickly, crocodile, wasps, snake, pitch-black darkness. I warned you about what might happen if you turn the pages. Now you see how careful you have to be with words.”

“I’m so sorry, pig. I couldn’t control myself. I just love to read so much. This time I’m gonna make sure you do not turn the page. Boom, very heavy rock. Do I have to tell you again not to turn the page? Oh well, let’s see. Can I, oh, oh, oh, crash. Oh, you are very strong. Do you work out at a gym? Well, frankly, not as often as I should, but thanks for asking. Okay, I give up since you won’t go away. I’ll make this story about you. What’s your name? Storyteller? Oh, I cannot spell that. I’ll tell you what. I will leave a blank like this, so whenever you see a blank in the story, say your name. Ready? Okay, now you can turn the page. Okay, this is a little weird. Okay, kid, all right. Okay, kid, it’s not about me. It’s about you. So when you see the blank, say your name. 

“All right, here we go. There once was a giant pest named [insert name], and he had huge eyes, humongous ears, and too many teeth. Also, a big nose. I don’t think I like the story pink. It did not matter how many times I was asked to go away. He would not go. Finally, I had to call the giant pest control company. Um…okay, remember kid, every time I point, it’s your name, not mine. Hello, I said. I am on page 29 of an unwritten book, and a giant pest named [insert name] will not stop bothering me. I cannot work, and I cannot stand this for another second, so please send someone right away to help me get rid of him.

Hm…I feel like we’ve been set up, kid. All right, let’s see what’s next. At least there’s not a giant rock on this page. Although I’m very strong from going to the gym, you’re still here. I thought my story would make you so mad you would slam this book shut and go away. Don’t you have anything better to do? Huh, maybe you could go bother someone else. Maybe you could go watch your toenails grow. This way, toenails, huh? Wow, that sounds fascinating. I think I’d rather keep reading. What do you think? Yep, keep reading.

Oh, look, I am almost out of pages. Wow, I wrote a whole book. It was pretty good too, wasn’t it? The park with the big ferocious mouse was scary, so in a way, it was a scary story. It was a bedtime story too because I’m certainly very tired. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Goodbye, and um…thank you for helping me write this book. Helping…I couldn’t have done it without you.

Um…do you think he means that? Oh, there’s another page I want to turn. Now go away. Okay, okay, just go to sleep. You need some rest. You’re obviously very stressed out. Goodnight. Look, he’s dreaming of getting a book award, and his mom is crying, and his dad is proud. Caution: Sleep in progress. The end.

Whoa, okay, I’m gonna be very, very quiet about shutting it. I don’t want any more letters flying around or any more screaming pigs. Gosh, I was so stressed out. Oh, and when that big rock on the page…storyteller, I thought for sure your head was doomed, dude. No, Doug, I’ve got strong hands. Yes, you do, you do, but they’re soft too. Thank you. All right, kid, whatever you do…open the book!”