Over the past 50 years, the concept of family has evolved significantly. We now have a variety of family structures, including blended families, adoptive families, and even divorced families living together. Despite these changes, families have become stronger, with many people feeling that their current family is as strong or stronger than the one they grew up in.
However, the chaos of family life can be overwhelming. Parents often feel like they’re constantly on the defensive, dealing with one challenge after another. Just as one issue is resolved, another arises, such as transitioning from teething to tantrums or from bath time to cyberbullying.
Children are aware of this stress. A study by Ellen Golinski from the Families and Work Institute revealed that children wish their parents were less tired and stressed, rather than wanting more time with them.
To address these challenges, we can look to the agile development method, a strategy used in the business world to improve efficiency and communication. This approach was adopted by the Star family in Hidden Springs, Idaho, who found it transformed their chaotic household into a more harmonious environment.
David Star, a software engineer, and his wife Eleanor, applied agile principles at home. They held regular family meetings, which improved communication and reduced stress. These meetings, inspired by David’s workplace, became a cornerstone of their family life.
The agile method was developed by Jeff Sutherland in the 1980s as a response to the inefficient waterfall method of software development. Agile focuses on small, manageable tasks and encourages feedback and adaptation. This method has been widely adopted in various industries and is now being applied to family life.
The Stars introduced a morning checklist for their children, which helped organize daily tasks and reduced parental stress. Family meetings became a platform for discussing what worked well, what didn’t, and what to focus on in the coming week. This empowered the children to contribute to family decisions and fostered open communication.
Inspired by the agile manifesto, here are three principles for an agile family:
Be flexible and ready to adjust plans as needed. If family dinners aren’t working, try family breakfasts or bedtime snacks instead.
Involve children in decision-making and encourage them to take responsibility. This helps them develop independence and problem-solving skills.
While adaptability is crucial, maintaining core family values is important. Create a family mission statement to reinforce these values and help children understand their family history.
Happiness and greatness in family life are not about grand plans but about making small, consistent efforts. By adopting agile principles, families can create a more harmonious and fulfilling environment. The secret to a happy family lies in adaptability, empowerment, and storytelling.
Organize a role-play session where you and your classmates simulate a family meeting. Assign roles such as parents and children, and discuss a typical family issue using the agile approach. Focus on communication, feedback, and decision-making. Reflect on how this method can reduce stress and improve family dynamics.
Design a morning checklist for a hypothetical family. Include tasks that need to be completed before school or work. Share your checklist with the class and discuss how it can help organize daily routines and reduce stress for both parents and children.
Work in groups to create a family mission statement that reflects core values and goals. Present your mission statement to the class and explain how it can guide family decisions and reinforce family identity. Discuss the importance of storytelling in maintaining family values.
Engage in a debate on the effectiveness of agile principles in family life. Divide into two groups, with one supporting the agile approach and the other opposing it. Use examples from the article and your own experiences to argue your points. Conclude with a class discussion on the potential benefits and challenges of implementing agile in families.
Participate in a workshop where you brainstorm ways to adapt agile principles to different family structures, such as blended or adoptive families. Share your ideas with the class and explore how flexibility and empowerment can be tailored to meet the unique needs of various family dynamics.
Here’s a sanitized version of the provided YouTube transcript:
—
[Music] [Applause]
So here’s the good news about families: the last 50 years have seen a revolution in what it means to be a family. We have blended families, adoptive families, nuclear families living in separate houses, and divorced families living in the same house. But through it all, families have grown stronger. Eight out of ten people say the family they have today is as strong or stronger than the family they grew up in.
Now here’s the bad news: nearly everyone is completely overwhelmed by the chaos of family life. Every parent I know, myself included, feels like we’re constantly playing defense. Just when our kids stop teething, they start having tantrums. Just when they stop needing our help taking a bath, they need our help dealing with cyberbullying.
And here’s the worst news of all: our children sense we’re out of control. Ellen Golinski of the Families and Work Institute asked a thousand children, “If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?” The parents predicted the kids would say spending more time with them. They were wrong. The kids’ number one wish was that their parents be less tired and less stressed.
So how can we change this dynamic? Are there concrete things we can do to reduce stress, draw our family closer, and generally prepare our children to enter the world? I spent the last few years trying to answer that question, traveling around, meeting families, and talking to experts ranging from peace negotiators to financial advisors. I was trying to figure out what happy families do right and what I can learn from them to make my family happier.
I want to tell you about one family I met and why I think they offer clues. At 7 p.m. on a Sunday in Hidden Springs, Idaho, the six members of the Star family are sitting down to the highlight of their week: the family meeting. The Stars are a regular American family with their share of regular family problems. David is a software engineer, and Eleanor takes care of their four children, ages 10 to 15. One of those kids tutors math on the far side of town, one has lacrosse on the near side, one has Asperger’s syndrome, and one has ADHD.
Eleanor said, “We were living in complete chaos.” What the Stars did next was surprising. Instead of turning to friends or relatives, they looked to David’s workplace and turned to a cutting-edge program called agile development. In agile, workers are organized into small groups and do things in very short spans of time. Instead of having executives issue grand proclamations, the team manages itself with constant feedback, daily update sessions, and weekly reviews.
David said that when they brought this system into their home, the family meetings in particular increased communication, decreased stress, and made everyone happier to be part of the family team. When my wife and I adopted these family meetings and other techniques into the lives of our then five-year-old twin daughters, it was the biggest single change we made since their birth, and these meetings took under 20 minutes.
So what is agile, and why can it help with something that seems so different like families? In 1983, Jeff Sutherland was a technologist at a financial firm in New England. He was frustrated with how software was designed, as companies followed the waterfall method, where executives issued orders that slowly trickled down to programmers. Sutherland wanted to create a system where ideas could percolate up from the bottom and be adjusted in real time.
He read 30 years of Harvard Business Review before stumbling upon an article in 1986 called “The New New Product Development Game.” It highlighted companies like Toyota and Canon, likening their adaptable, tight-knit teams to rugby scrums. Sutherland’s system encourages companies to do things in small chunks, where nothing takes longer than two weeks.
Today, agile is used in many countries and is sweeping into management suites. People began applying some of these techniques to their families. For example, the Stars created a morning checklist where each child is expected to tick off chores. When I visited Eleanor, I saw her sitting in a reclining chair, amiably talking to each of her children as they came downstairs, checked the list, made breakfast, and prepared for the day. It was one of the most astonishing family dynamics I had ever seen.
When I initially objected that this would never work in our house, Eleanor said, “That’s what I thought too.” The week they introduced the morning checklist cut parental yelling in half. But the real change came when they held family meetings, asking three questions: What worked well this week? What didn’t work well? What do we agree to work on in the week ahead?
Everyone threw out suggestions, and they picked two to focus on. Suddenly, their daughters began sharing their thoughts openly. The most surprising part was when they discussed what they would work on in the week ahead. The key idea of agile is that teams manage themselves, and it turns out this works with kids too.
Three years later, their daughters are almost eight now, and they still hold these meetings. My wife counts them among her most treasured moments as a mom.
So what did we learn? The word “agile” entered the lexicon in 2001 when Jeff Sutherland and a group of designers wrote a 12-point agile manifesto. I propose an agile family manifesto with three main points:
1. **Adapt All the Time**: When I became a parent, I thought we could set a few rules and stick to them. But we can’t anticipate every problem. The agile system allows for real-time adjustments. For example, if family dinner doesn’t work, try family breakfast or bedtime snacks instead.
2. **Empower Your Children**: Our instinct as parents is to order our kids around, but we learned to reverse the waterfall as much as possible. Enlist children in their own upbringing. For instance, during a family meeting, one daughter suggested a reward and punishment system for overreacting. This gives them practice in becoming independent.
3. **Tell Your Story**: While adaptability is important, we also need to preserve our core values. Create a family mission statement to identify what is important to you. Research shows that children who know their family history and values have higher self-esteem and a greater sense of control over their lives.
In conclusion, happiness is not something we find; it’s something we make. Greatness is not a matter of circumstance; it’s a matter of choice. You don’t need a grand plan; just take small steps and accumulate small wins.
What’s the secret to a happy family?
[Applause] [Music]
—
This version removes any potentially sensitive or personal information while maintaining the core message and structure of the original transcript.
Family – A social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not. – In sociology, the family is often seen as the primary institution for socialization, where individuals first learn societal norms and values.
Stress – A psychological and physical response to certain life events or situations that challenge an individual’s ability to cope. – High levels of stress can impact mental health and are often studied in psychology to understand their effects on behavior and well-being.
Communication – The process of exchanging information, thoughts, or messages between individuals through speech, writing, or other mediums. – Effective communication is crucial in resolving conflicts and maintaining healthy relationships within a community.
Children – Young human beings below the age of puberty or below the legal age of majority. – In developmental psychology, children are studied to understand how they grow and change physically, cognitively, and socially over time.
Agile – Ability to move quickly and easily; in a psychological context, it refers to mental quickness and adaptability. – Agile thinking is essential for leaders who must adapt to rapidly changing social and economic environments.
Independence – The state of being free from outside control or not subject to another’s authority. – The concept of independence is central to political science, especially in discussions about national sovereignty and self-determination.
Decision-making – The cognitive process of selecting a course of action from among multiple alternatives. – Decision-making is a key focus in psychology, as it involves evaluating options and predicting outcomes to make informed choices.
Adaptability – The ability to adjust to new conditions or environments. – Adaptability is a valued trait in psychology, as it allows individuals to cope with change and stress effectively.
Values – Principles or standards of behavior that are considered important or beneficial by a society or individual. – Sociologists study values to understand how they influence social norms and individual behavior within different cultures.
Harmony – A state of agreement or concord, often within a social group or community. – Achieving harmony in a diverse society requires understanding and respecting different perspectives and cultural backgrounds.
