Esther Perel, a well-known psychotherapist, is admired for her insightful and compassionate approach to understanding relationships. Her ideas attract large audiences both online and in-person, and she collaborates with the School of Life. Recently, Perel shared her thoughts at the School’s London branch, and she is scheduled to return in December. Her discussions explore the complexities of modern relationships, focusing on the importance of happiness and emotional connection over traditional motivations like status or security.
Perel points out a major change in why people form relationships today. In the past, relationships were often based on status, security, or having children. Nowadays, people seek partnerships mainly for personal happiness. This shift presents a unique challenge, as the stability of the family unit now depends on the happiness of the couple. As a result, couples therapy has become more important, offering guidance to help partners achieve a deeper quality of connection.
In today’s world, relationships involve constant negotiation. Couples must make decisions about career priorities, parenting responsibilities, and personal happiness. The wide range of choices in partners and lifestyles can be overwhelming, leading to what Perel describes as “romantic consumerism.” This phenomenon is driven by high expectations, which can lead to dissatisfaction and a sense of entitlement when those expectations are not met.
Effective communication is crucial in relationships, yet it often involves discussing topics that can be uncomfortable, especially with those closest to us. Perel notes that many people find it easier to talk about sex with anyone other than their partner. This reluctance can stifle desire, which thrives on absence and longing. The key question of desire is whether we can want what we already have. Couples who maintain an erotic spark often do so by acknowledging that they do not own each other, viewing their partnership as a renewable arrangement rather than a permanent possession.
Perel’s exploration of infidelity reveals that affairs can occur even in satisfying relationships. This paradox challenges the assumption that infidelity is solely a symptom of dissatisfaction. Instead, it often reflects a desire to feel alive, to escape a sense of deadness that can develop over time. Many individuals who engage in affairs are not chronic philanderers but rather people who have been faithful for years before crossing a line they never imagined they would. This behavior underscores the complex nature of desire and the power of the erotic.
Perel encourages openness to diverse relationship models. Emotional connection is essential, but the form it takes can vary widely. For some, traditional long-term monogamy is fulfilling, while others may find satisfaction in serial monogamy, consensual non-monogamy, or polyamory. The key is to find a model that works for the individuals involved, rather than adhering to a one-size-fits-all approach. Innovation in relationships, much like in other areas of life, can lead to more fulfilling partnerships.
Perel advocates for broader conversations about sex, viewing it not just as an act but as a place one goes. This perspective encourages individuals to explore what sex means to them personally, whether it’s a space for playfulness, surrender, spiritual union, or other experiences. Moving beyond performance and traditional models of sex can lead to a richer understanding of one’s sexuality and its role in a relationship.
While Perel is not pessimistic about love, she emphasizes the importance of emotional education in achieving fulfilling relationships. With experts like her providing guidance, individuals can begin to navigate the complexities of modern love more effectively.
Esther Perel will be speaking at the School of Life in London on Tuesday, December 4th. For more information and tickets, please visit the School of Life’s website.
Reflect on your personal motivations for forming relationships. Consider how these motivations align with Esther Perel’s insights on the shift from traditional motivations to personal happiness. Write a journal entry discussing your thoughts and how they relate to your own experiences.
Engage in role-playing exercises with a partner to practice effective communication in relationships. Focus on discussing challenging topics, such as career priorities or personal happiness, to better understand the dynamics of negotiation in modern partnerships.
Participate in a group discussion exploring the complexities of infidelity and desire as described by Esther Perel. Share your perspectives on why infidelity might occur in satisfying relationships and how desire can be maintained over time.
Research different relationship models, such as monogamy, consensual non-monogamy, and polyamory. Present your findings to the class, highlighting the benefits and challenges of each model and how they align with Perel’s views on redefining relationship norms.
Join a creative workshop where you explore the concept of sex as a space for various experiences. Use art, writing, or other creative mediums to express your personal understanding of sexuality and its role in relationships, inspired by Perel’s perspective.
Relationships – The way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other, often studied in psychology to understand social dynamics and personal interactions. – In psychology, understanding the dynamics of relationships can help in developing better communication strategies and conflict resolution skills.
Happiness – A state of well-being and contentment, often explored in philosophy and psychology to understand its causes and effects on human behavior. – Philosophers have long debated whether happiness is the ultimate goal of human life or merely a byproduct of living virtuously.
Communication – The process of exchanging information and ideas, which is crucial in psychology for understanding how individuals convey thoughts and emotions. – Effective communication is essential in therapy to ensure that clients feel understood and supported.
Desire – A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen, often analyzed in psychology to understand motivation and behavior. – Freud’s theory of the unconscious mind suggests that repressed desires can influence behavior in profound ways.
Infidelity – The act of being unfaithful to a partner, which is a significant topic in psychology for studying trust, betrayal, and relationship dynamics. – Infidelity can have complex psychological effects on both partners, often leading to a reevaluation of the relationship.
Emotional – Relating to a person’s feelings, which are central to psychological studies of behavior and mental processes. – Emotional intelligence is a key factor in understanding how individuals manage their emotions and interact with others.
Education – The process of receiving or giving systematic instruction, especially at a school or university, and its impact on cognitive and social development is a major focus in psychology. – Educational psychology examines how different teaching methods can influence learning outcomes and student motivation.
Connection – A relationship in which a person or thing is linked or associated with something else, often studied in psychology to understand social bonds and attachment. – Human connection is vital for mental health, as it provides a sense of belonging and support.
Partnership – A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, often analyzed in psychology to understand collaboration and teamwork. – Successful partnerships require effective communication and a shared vision to achieve common goals.
Philosophy – The study of the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality, and existence, which often intersects with psychology in exploring human thought and behavior. – The philosophy of mind seeks to understand the nature of consciousness and its relationship to the brain.
