How To Deal With Rejection

The Pain of Rejection

Rejection is a painful experience, akin to physical pain. This is not just a metaphorical comparison; fMRI studies have shown that rejection triggers brain activity in the same neural regions that process physical pain. The language we use to describe rejection, such as feeling “crushed” or “broken-hearted,” further emphasizes this connection. But why does rejection elicit such a strong response, and how can we cope with this unique kind of pain?

Understanding Rejection

Psychologists often describe rejection as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value having social connections with us. This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner, excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against. However, these interpersonal rejections have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job. In these experiences, we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship. The pain of rejection often increases the more we value a relationship, but even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.

The Evolutionary Theory of Rejection

Just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats to our physical well-being, hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being. Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans and depended on everyone they knew for survival. These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone as a potential threat to their safety. While it’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory, it’s clear that this warning system doesn’t include instructions for how to process this intense emotional experience.

Dealing with Rejection

When feeling rejected, it’s helpful to ask yourself a few questions. Consider your relationship with the person rejecting you. Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear? Or is it just a loose acquaintance? If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question: does this rejection really matter? It can sting when a stranger doesn’t laugh at your joke, but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection with little impact on your life.

How you perceive yourself also factors into this equation. You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others, and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations where they have a low opinion of themselves. So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret other people’s neutral reactions as rejections. Reflecting on your self-view and asking yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you can be helpful.

Understanding and Accepting Rejection

Unfortunately, after asking these questions, you might still conclude that a person close to you doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do. This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things. First, this rejection isn’t just about you. The other party wants something different from your relationship, and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair, or simply not what you have to give. Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you. The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships.

Learning from Rejection

By reflecting on your behavior, you can find clues to help better understand the rejection and think critically about the relationship you want to have with this person. Every relationship and rejection is unique. But whatever the specifics, it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this. Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life—even those who seem confident in their belonging. One of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience is to reconnect with those who already accept you.