Everyone dreams of a life filled with happiness, love, and success. We all want to have fulfilling relationships, look our best, earn a good income, and be respected by others. These desires are universal and easy to express. If someone asks you what you want from life, you might say, “I want to be happy, have a great family, and enjoy my job.” While these are common aspirations, they often lack depth and specificity.
Instead of focusing solely on what you want, consider a more profound question: What challenges are you willing to endure to achieve your goals? This question is crucial because it often determines the trajectory of your life. Many people aspire to have a successful career and financial independence, but not everyone is prepared to face the long hours, stressful commutes, and complexities of the corporate world.
Similarly, people desire wealth without the associated risks and sacrifices. They want meaningful relationships but may shy away from difficult conversations and emotional ups and downs. The truth is, happiness often requires struggle, and positive experiences are frequently the result of overcoming negative ones. Avoiding challenges only delays their inevitable confrontation.
Our lives are not shaped by the good feelings we wish for but by the negative experiences we are willing to endure. For instance, achieving a fit physique demands an appreciation for the pain and effort involved in regular exercise. Starting a business or becoming financially independent requires embracing risks and learning from failures.
In relationships, attracting a wonderful partner involves facing rejections and navigating emotional challenges. Success is not just about enjoying the rewards; it’s about enduring the struggles that come with them. The quality of your life is determined by how well you handle negative experiences.
Many people believe that wanting something enough will make it happen. However, everyone has desires, and often, they don’t fully understand what they truly want. To achieve the benefits of something, you must also accept its costs. If you want a fit body, you must embrace the discomfort of exercise. If you want success, you must be willing to face the challenges it brings.
When I ask people about how they choose to face their struggles, their answers reveal more about them than their desires. A pain-free life is impossible, so it’s essential to choose your struggles wisely. The question isn’t about what pleasures you seek, but what pain you’re willing to endure. This answer can be life-changing.
During my adolescence and young adulthood, I fantasized about being a rock star. I imagined myself on stage, playing to a cheering crowd. This dream occupied my thoughts for years, even after I dropped out of music school. I believed it was only a matter of time before I achieved it. However, despite my fantasies, the reality never materialized.
It took many negative experiences for me to realize that I didn’t truly want it. I loved the idea of success but not the hard work required to achieve it. I didn’t enjoy the daily practice, the logistics of forming a band, or the challenges of securing gigs. Society might label this as failure, but the truth is simpler: I thought I wanted something, but I didn’t.
Your identity is shaped by the values you are willing to struggle for. Those who enjoy the challenges of working out are the ones who get in shape. Those who embrace the complexities of corporate life are the ones who advance. This isn’t about sheer willpower; it’s a fundamental aspect of life. Our struggles shape our successes, so choose your struggles wisely.
Hey everyone, Mark Manson here. What you just read is an excerpt from my bestselling book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***.” If you liked it, be sure to check out the book and my YouTube channel as well. I’ll see you there!
Write a journal entry reflecting on a personal goal you have. Consider the challenges associated with achieving this goal and identify which struggles you are willing to endure. This exercise will help you understand your true desires and the sacrifices you are prepared to make.
Participate in a group discussion where each member shares a challenge they faced in pursuit of a goal. Discuss how overcoming these challenges contributed to personal growth and fulfillment. This activity will help you appreciate the role of negative experiences in achieving success.
Analyze a case study of a successful individual or company. Identify the challenges they faced and how they overcame them. Discuss in small groups how these challenges shaped their path to success. This will provide insights into the importance of embracing difficulties.
Engage in role-playing scenarios where you must make decisions about which struggles to endure for a desired outcome. Reflect on how these choices align with your values and goals. This activity will help you practice decision-making in the face of adversity.
Create a vision board that includes not only your goals but also the challenges you are willing to face to achieve them. Present your board to the class and explain your choices. This visual representation will help solidify your commitment to your chosen struggles.
Sure! Here’s a sanitized version of the transcript:
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[Music] Thank you! Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone desires to live a carefree, happy, and easy life, to fall in love, have fulfilling relationships, look great, make money, and be popular and respected. It’s easy to want that. If I ask you what you want out of life, and you say something like, “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” it’s so common that it almost loses its meaning.
A more important question, one you may not have considered before, is: what challenges are you willing to face in your life? What struggles are you prepared to endure? This seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out. Everyone wants an amazing job and financial independence, but not everyone is willing to endure long work weeks, long commutes, and the complexities of corporate life.
People want to be wealthy without the risks, sacrifices, or delayed gratification necessary to build that wealth. Everyone desires great relationships, but not everyone is ready to navigate tough conversations, awkward moments, and emotional ups and downs to achieve that. Many view pain as something to be avoided at all costs, while reality is much more nuanced. Most people don’t realize this and end up settling, wondering what could have been for years until they ask themselves, “Was that it?”
Happiness requires struggle. Positive experiences are often the result of handling negative ones. You can only avoid negative experiences for so long before they come back to confront you. At the core of human behavior, our needs are similar. Positive experiences are easy to handle; it’s the negative experiences that we struggle with. Therefore, what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire, but by the bad feelings we are willing and able to endure.
People want an amazing physique, but you don’t achieve that unless you appreciate the pain and physical stress that comes with working out. People want to start their own businesses or become financially independent, but you won’t succeed as an entrepreneur unless you learn to appreciate the risks, uncertainties, and repeated failures.
People want a partner or spouse, but attracting someone amazing requires weathering rejections and navigating emotional turbulence. What determines your success isn’t just what you want to enjoy; it’s about what challenges you are willing to sustain. The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences, but by the quality of your negative experiences. Getting good at dealing with negative experiences is key to getting good at life.
There’s a lot of advice out there that suggests you just have to want something enough. But everyone wants something, and they often don’t realize what they truly want. If you desire the benefits of something, you must also accept the costs. If you want a fit body, you have to embrace the effort and discomfort that comes with it. If you want success, you have to be willing to face the challenges that come with it.
Sometimes, I ask people how they choose to face their struggles. This question reveals more about them than their desires because you have to choose something; a pain-free life is not possible. Ultimately, that’s the hard question that matters. Pleasure is easy to identify, but the more interesting question is about the pain you’re willing to endure. That answer can change your life.
For much of my adolescence and young adulthood, I fantasized about being a musician, particularly a rock star. I would envision myself on stage, playing to a cheering crowd. This fantasy occupied my thoughts for hours, even through college, despite dropping out of music school. I always believed it was a matter of when, not if, I would play in front of a crowd. However, despite my long-standing fantasy, the reality never materialized. It took me a long time and many negative experiences to realize that I didn’t actually want it; I was in love with the idea of it, not the process.
I failed repeatedly because I didn’t truly engage with the necessary work. I didn’t enjoy the daily practice, the logistics of finding a band, or the challenges of getting gigs. I realized I liked the idea of success, but not the climb to achieve it. Society might label this as failure or quitting, but the truth is simpler: I thought I wanted something, but I didn’t.
Who you are is determined by the values you are willing to struggle for. Those who enjoy the challenges of working out are the ones who get in shape. Those who embrace the complexities of corporate life are the ones who advance. This isn’t a call for sheer willpower; it’s a fundamental aspect of life. Our struggles shape our successes, so choose your struggles wisely, my friend.
Hey everyone, Mark Manson here. What you just heard is an excerpt from my bestselling book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***.” If you liked it, be sure to check out the book and my YouTube channel as well. I’ll see you there! [Music]
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Let me know if you need any further modifications!
Happiness – A state of well-being and contentment, often considered a fundamental goal in life and a central topic in philosophical discussions about the good life. – Philosophers like Aristotle have long debated the nature of happiness and its role as the ultimate aim of human existence.
Fulfillment – The achievement of something desired, promised, or predicted, often related to the realization of one’s potential or purpose in life. – In existential philosophy, fulfillment is often linked to living authentically and embracing one’s freedom and responsibility.
Challenges – Obstacles or difficulties that require effort and determination to overcome, often seen as opportunities for personal growth and development. – Psychological theories suggest that facing challenges can lead to increased resilience and a deeper understanding of oneself.
Experiences – Events or occurrences that leave an impression on someone, contributing to their knowledge, skills, and personal development. – In phenomenology, experiences are central to understanding consciousness and the way individuals perceive the world.
Growth – The process of developing or maturing physically, mentally, or spiritually, often seen as a key component of personal development. – Many psychological theories emphasize the importance of growth through self-reflection and learning from experiences.
Desire – A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen, often discussed in the context of motivation and human behavior. – In psychoanalysis, desire is a central concept that drives much of human behavior and influences the formation of identity.
Reality – The state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them, often explored in metaphysics and epistemology. – Philosophers have long debated the nature of reality and how it can be perceived or understood by human consciousness.
Struggles – Efforts or attempts to overcome difficulties or achieve something in the face of adversity, often seen as a natural part of the human condition. – Existentialists argue that struggles are inherent to life and can lead to a more authentic existence.
Identity – The qualities, beliefs, personality, and expressions that make a person or group different from others, often explored in both philosophy and psychology. – The concept of identity is crucial in understanding how individuals perceive themselves and their place in the world.
Success – The accomplishment of an aim or purpose, often discussed in terms of personal satisfaction and societal recognition. – Philosophical discussions about success often question whether it should be measured by external achievements or internal fulfillment.
